Where I Wanna Be
by ultimaterockgoddess
Summary: Dean's first look at Cas' wings. Destiel, Slash


**_Then_**

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! RUN SAMMY!"

_It was supposed to be a simple case._

"Sam!"

_They thought it was a Wendigo._

"Dean! We have to get to the Impala!"

_How were they supposed to know the witness they were interviewing was a demon?_

"Go go go go GO!"

_All he could hear was the howling. The sound still sent chills down his spine. He could still feel the claws digging into his skin, tearing his flesh. Breathe in, breathe out, run, cover Sammy, get to the Impala, breathe, make sure they don't get to Sammy._

"God damn it Sammy! What the hell is taking so long?!"

"Maybe the fact we have 5 fucking duffels in the trunk and we just threw the fucking glasses in here like dumbasses!"

_Look for signs, the trees moving, the grass being trampled, anything._

"Whatever Princess just find the damn things!"

_Listen, look, breathe, make sure Sammy is ok._

"DEAN! HERE!" Dean turned just in time to catch the glasses and slip them on.

_Two coming towards me, three at Sam. Aim, breathe, shoot,_

"Naaaragh"

_Sammy_. Dean turned; saw two of the hellhounds on top of Sam, the other standing watch. He was just about to break into a run when he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. The two hounds were on him in an instant. Dean barely had time for his strangled cry of "Cas!" before they were hurdling towards him. _Get to Sam first, go to him_. He couldn't hear much over his own struggling but what he did hear make him sigh in relief. The next thing he knew the hounds on top of him were making their own wails, going up in smoke. _Sam, where's Sam? _Dean pulled himself up, a little shaky, a lot bloody and started trying to make a B-line for where Sam had laid. Cas put his hand on Dean's shoulder, who shook it off and kept going.

"Where's Sam? You did get to him right?"

"Yes, Dean."

"He's ok?"

"I healed his wounds and he is in the car resting. I suppose he's still rather sore." All the dread and tension drained from his body. He let out a breath he wasn't even aware that he was holding, finally able to breathe normally for the first time since the victim's brother's eyes turned black and the first growl was heard. Castiel tried once more to stop Dean on his trek towards where Sam had been. This time Dean let himself be stopped and gently turned around. Cas softly laid his hand on the side of Dean's face and let it rest there for a moment _oh shit, what's he doing breathe. _Soon Dean felt the familiar tingle in his veins that he associated with Cas healing him. _He's so warm_. They spent a few minutes gazing at each other before Dean noticed something moving behind Cas. _What the? Are those his- _Dean sucked in a breath at the sight before him. _How? _He reached up to readjust the glasses on his face, still in awe.

Two large, jet black, hawk-like wings protruded from Cas' shoulders, hanging at his sides and partially stretched out, looking as if he were going to fly off at any moment. Deep cerulean undertones on the feathers of the secondaries changed to incandescent sea green when Cas shifted, the moonlight making other parts of Cas' wings shimmer with hints of silver. _Beautiful. _Castiel tilted his head in confusion before looking behind him. Seeing nothing he turned back to Dean with confusion on his face.

Dean realized he was staring but the more he looked the more he felt like something was off. The feathers were bright in some places, dull in others. He stepped forward a bit, then thought better of it and started to turn away. That's when he saw it, the light hitting the wings just right, a long scar on the left wing stretching from the scapulars near the shoulder to the edge of the secondaries next to the primaries, mounds of scar tissue littered along the whole of the wing. The right wing wasn't much better, with what looked like puncture wounds along the marginal coverts at the top of the wing looking almost as if the wing had been held up by a hook at some point. Some of the feathers were matted and disheveled, scars littering both wings, feathers looking close to falling out. Dean sucked in a breath. _Did I do that to him?_

"Dean?" Dean looked up at Cas startled and horrified. "What's wrong?" _What's wrong?! I destroyed your wings! _Dean just shook his head.

"N-nothing. Just uh, the fight took a little more out of me than I thought. I'm gonna go check on Sam. Um, uh… thanks for saving our asses again." Cas gave Dean a small nod

"I will go take care of the demon these hounds belonged to." Dean was still staring when Cas disappeared. A few seconds staring at the now empty space Dean turned around briskly, angrily swiping the glasses off of his face and shoved them in his pocket and practically ran to the Impala, slamming the door behind him. _Shit. _

"Sorry baby." Dean petted the steering wheel before peeling out onto the road and towards the motel where Sam and he were staying. He chanced a glance at Sam who was still, thankfully, sleeping. _What happened to you Cas? I'm so sorry._

**_Now_**

_FUCK! My fault. _Guilt, overwhelming guilt is all Dean is feeling. It's been three weeks since the Wendigo turned Hellhound hunt and Dean still can't get Cas' wings out of his head. Cas' beautiful broken and frayed wings. Everything he saw reminded him of the battered appendages. _How long have they been like that? _He can't even look Cas in the eye. All he wants to do is scream at the unfairness of it all. _My fault. _He took another long pull from the whiskey bottle in his hand. _How can he even look at me?_ Another pull from the bottle._ I shouldn't have made him rebel._ He looked up at the TV, noticing a nature documentary about birds of prey was on. He snorted._ I poison everything I touch._ Dean's mind flashed to Castiel in the barn, the intimidating shadows on the walls. _My fault. _Back to the cabin, Hester screaming, "The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost!"_ She was right. _Suddenly fingers were being snapped in front of Dean's face. He blinked rapidly and looked up to find Sam standing in front of him.

"Hey! What's up?"

"Nothing man."

"Really, cause you've been acting strange for a few weeks now." Dean stared blankly at Sam for a moment.

"Whatever, I'm going to bed." He got up and stumbled into his room and promptly passed out. When he woke up in the morning he went in search of some Tylenol when he heard voices in the kitchen. Dean softly padded toward the kitchen, the voices becoming louder and more recognizable. It was Sam and Cas. _Cas._ Dean's heart clenched in his chest.

"Look, man. I don't know. He's just been acting strange. But if you don't think it's anything to be concerned about then-" Sam was promptly cut off by Cas

"I did not say there was no need to be concerned. You asked me if it was possible he was under a spell of some sort or if I didn't heal him fully. The first scenario, while plausible, there is no sign of residual magic on him so it's highly unlikely. The second scenario you offered is just absurd."

"But you do think he's acting weird?" Cas heaved a put-upon sigh

"Yes, Sam. His lack of eye contact with me is starting to become bothersome."

"He's started drinking again, well not that he stopped 100% but it was becoming less frequent." It was silent for a few minutes. Dean was ready to backtrack and forget the Tylenol.

"I'm not sure what you want me to do with this information, Sam. Dean has made it abundantly clear that I am not to 'poke around' in his head," Dean could practically hear the air quotes "And I refuse to break that trust."

"That's uh- that's good man. But can't you just…" There was silence for a long moment; Dean assumed Sam was making some Sasquatch like gesture with his hands.

"I'm not entirely certain what you mean by that." Dean's elbow chose this moment to give out and send him flying into the kitchen, face first. _Maybe if I just stay on the floor and don't move they won't see me. _"Hello, Dean." _Damn it. If there was a perfect time for a hole in the ground to appear, now is it. _

"Hey," Dean grumbled, pushing himself up. "Sammy, where did we put the Tylenol?" Sam pointed to the cabinet beside Cas' head. "Oh." Dean took a deep breath and started to back out of the room. "You know, I'll just go sleep it off." He tried to make it look like he wasn't running, but he wasn't quite sure how successful he was.

Another week of expertly avoiding Cas and obsessing over his wings and scars, a hunt, epically failing on the hunt and having to have Cas save his ass **_again_** and Dean was exhausted. He nearly collapsed onto his bed when he heard the telltale sound of wings. _I should have seen this coming._ For a moment neither of them said anything. Dean was still looking up at the ceiling in his room, tracing patterns on the indentations of the stone with his eyes, when he felt the bed dip next to him. With a tired sigh Cas turned to face Dean.

"Dean. I believe we need to have a talk." Dean groaned, he didn't want to do this now. Hell, not ever. _My fault. _"It seems as if I have done something to offend you. I'm not sure what it is that has vexed you so completely but this needs to stop. You nearly got yourself killed today, you nearly got **_Sam_** killed today, and for what? Some petty aversion to being within 10 feet of me?" Castiel shifted and let loose another small sigh, "As I said, I'm unsure as to what I did to upset you but if you would tell me I might be able to fix it."

"Cas- man. I don't… you didn't do anything to piss me off. I just… have been tired lately." Cas was silent a moment

"I believe the term is 'bullshit' yes, that's bullshit. There is something going on. You won't look me in the eyes and you avoid me whenever possible, sometimes even when not possible. Whatever it was that I did-" Dean pushed himself up angrily into a sitting position.

"Damn it Cas! Shut up! You didn't do jack shit." He stood up and started pacing just to sit back down again, carefully avoiding Castiel's gaze. "I saw them, okay?" he murmured in a small voice.

"Saw what?" Dean sighed

"Your wings." Cas was silent, slightly stunned.

"How?"

"Well, remember about a month ago? That demon and his hellhounds." Cas nodded, just a small incline of his head, confirmation and a command to continue all at once. "Well, I was wearing some glasses that were scorched with holy fire to see the hellhounds and I looked up and… there they were." Dean gulped, the scene replaying over in his mind. _My fault. _He glanced at Cas quickly, trying to ascertain what he was thinking. Cas was hunched in on himself, trench coat around him as a shield. _My fault. _Finally Cas looked up.

"I'm afraid I don't understand. You've seen shadows of my wings before, you know I'm not human. Why is this bothering you now?"

"That's… not it."

"Then what is it? Because I fail to see how seeing my wings would cause you such distress."

"Have you **seen** your wings lately?!"

"I'm aware that they aren't the most aesthetically pleasing, but they work. And they're mine."

"It's not that…" Dean rand his fingers through his hair and started rambling. "They really are beautiful, even if they are a little battered. It's just that seeing all those scars reminded me of everything you've done for me, everything I've made you do. I've made you fall so far, I've corrupted you, I've… I've destroyed you Cas. And you don't do a damn thing about it; you just stand there and take it, all the time. I've ruined you, I've pulled you down so far and all the pain you've been through is just my fault and I don't even know why you're here-" Dean's rant was cut off by a visibly enraged Angel of the Lord grabbing his arms and making him look in his eyes.

"Dean Winchester, you are the most infuriating human I've ever laid eyes on. How dare you."

"Excuse me?"

"How dare you derogate everything I've gone through? I did it for you but I also did it for humanity. For the little fish that grew into something so much more than I ever could have imagined. You showed me the good; you showed me that there was something worth saving here. And don't you _ever_ forget that. These scars, my scars, are a just a physical manifestation of my journey." Dean made a choking sound in the back of his throat, "it's not a bad thing Dean. They remind me that everything I've gone through to get here was worth it. From raising you from perdition to every bump along the way, it's led me, us here. I don't think that's a bad thing, do you? I quite like it where I'm at."

Dean seemed to finally realize how close they were, he could feel Cas' breath ghosting against his lips. _Does he even need to breathe? _They were barely an inch a part. He looked from Cas' eyes to his lips and back again. For the first time Dean realized just how badly he **_wanted_** Cas. _Breathe Dean. _It'd be so easy to close the distance between them. Cas seemed to notice what was going on in Dean's head because he leaned forward just an infinitesimal amount, enough to where they were sharing breaths, and looked him in the eyes.

"Exactly where I'm at." And that was all it took for Dean's self-control to dissolve. He surged forward and crashed their mouths together; they pulled apart briefly, resting their foreheads against one another.

"I just wish I could fix them."

"There's nothing to fix, Dean. What's done is done, plus I like having a reminder." Castiel was the one who initiated the kiss this time. It was heated and tense, Dean felt like his every nerve ending was on fire. Years of pent up frustration came rushing out, they broke apart what felt like hours later maybe minutes, Dean wasn't sure. With one final look at Cas, to make sure they were really doing this, Dean leaned in to kiss him again. Slowly, he started to trail kisses down the line of Cas' jaw, the stubble found there scratching his lips and chin. Cas made a sound low in his throat and clutched tightly to Dean's shoulders. A growl worked its way out of Cas' mouth when Dean found a particularly sensitive area on his neck. Cas' hands found Dean's arms and pushed him back onto the bed and started attacking his throat with his lips and worked his way back up to Dean's mouth.

"C-cas. I need you." Cas acquiesced and soon clothes were strewn about the room, leaving them both in nothing but their boxers. Dean gripped Cas' shoulder as he rutted against him.

"Oh! Dean," Cas broke down into a litany of Dean's name and quiet "love you"s. Both panting and grunting, they found themselves quickly ascending towards completion, and then tumbling off the cliff.

Sleepy and sated Dean lay with Cas resting on his chest, slowly running his hand up and down Castiel's sweaty back. A contented sigh escaped as he looked at Cas, with his brow slightly furrowed.

"I'm still sorry." Blue eyes met green as Cas reached up and soothed the lines of Dean's forehead.

"It's going to be ok." With that Cas lightly kissed Dean's slightly parted lips.

Dean fell asleep with one thought on his mind_ Yeah, it is._

* * *

_A/N: __-_  


For Carry-On-My-Wayward-Jerk on Tumblr  
Huge special thanks to Vesloth on tumblr who let me bounce ideas off her when word ate my first draft

Very nervous about this. I feel like I got their characterizations off a bit, and I feel like the sex scene was awkward. Anyways please let me know how I did.

Crossposted to tumblr, AO3, and LJ


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